Bernadette Peters Hates Me, by Keith Stewart

Anybody can be funny once, right? Tell a joke at just the right time, hit a line with perfect comic timing, unintentionally craft the perfect sentence. Well, Keith Stewart is not just anybody.

How I Met Keith

I had the pleasure of meeting Keith at the Appalachian Writers Conference last summer and he is the kind of guy who just immediately makes you smile. I knew no one; Keith immediately introduced me to a few people and checked in on me a couple more times to make sure I was doing well. So when I found out his book, Bernadette Peters Hates Me, True Tales of a Delusional Man, was set for a book-signing and release party at the Morris Book Shop, I put the date down in red on my calendar and I’m so glad I did.

Bernadette Peters Hates Me is a book of short, comic essays that frankly, has just about the best cover art I’ve ever seen (Dwayne Booth) and causes me to laugh out loud every time I pick it up, no matter how many times I’ve read the essay. I’m in the midst of some gritty work for my everyday job as of this minute, so Keith’s book is providing me some essential medicine.

Hot Yoga

During the signing of Bernadette Peters Hates Me, Keith read from an essay called Hot Yoga or How to Self Administer Your Own Stroke. Little did the poor man know I would nearly fall out of my chair laughing in recognition, having been subjected to the same two-week torture by my best friend as a birthday present.

Once there [at the Bikram yoga studio], though, what I discovered was far from a glorified new way to lose weight. What I discovered was the Devil himself has decided to tap into the multi-million dollar fitness industry with his own special workout.. . .After changing, I confidently opened the door to the studio. What hit me next was a wall of heat that can only be explained by preheating your oven to five hundred degrees and sticking your head inside it. . . . I tried to keep up with the different stances and not be self-conscious of how I looked doing them. This became much easier to do as the 105-degree heat and the bright, fluorescent lights and the annoying teacher’s voice all kept smashing into me. My last conscious sight was  (my friend) Jeff on his back with his leg in a position that looked like he had been mangled in a car wreck of a skiing accident. He mouthed to me, “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have come.”

Then, what I call Bikram Tourette’s Syndrome took over my body. I think it was my body’s only way of getting through this trauma. I started occasionally yelling out random curse words as I tried to twist and contort my body in ways just not possible.

I’m laughing too much to type the rest. Bernadette Peters Hates Me spares no one, least of all the author, in its quest for a great chuckle. Just what I needed today!

Return to Sender

I particularly enjoyed the essay titled, Return to Sender – The Letter File. Here, Keith shares with us a smattering of the letters he wished he’d sent: offering his services to Rutgers University’s graduation; to the gentleman sitting in front of Keith at a Judds Concert; to the winner of the “Worst Blind Date Ever” award. And Talk Derby to Me is irresistible on this Preakness Saturday.

Bizarro

Lasix is a common drug used in the racing industry. It prevents a horse’s lungs from hemorrhaging blood due to the stress of exercise. . . . [I]t is marked in the racing program with a (L) beside the horse’s name for full disclosure.

I had no knowledge of any of this. The only Lasik I had heard of was the out-patient surgery that miraculously corrected one’s vision.

I started noticing almost every horse in the race had an (L) beside its name. “Wow,” all these horses have had Lasik? I had no idea horses were that near-sighted,” I announced to my friends. Everyone stared at me. Not noticing, I started wondering out loud, “Has anyone seen a near-sighted horse who was not lucky enough to have the Lasik procedure? Has anyone seen a horse with horse-sized sports goggles strapped on so it could see? Do they manufacture horse contact lenses, and how in the world would you put them in the horse’s eyes?”

MENU

Keith Stewart provided his suggestions for a book club menu, and a recipe!

Some favorite food for book club that would go with the book: a combo of classy and redneck, just like me! Perhaps thinly sliced pickled bologna served on saltines, along with sausage stuffed mushrooms. The mushrooms are really simple, but delish:

Ingredients: 35 large fresh mushrooms 1/2 pound bulk pork sausage 1/2 – 1 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese 1/4 cup seasoned bread crumbs

Directions: 1. Remove stems from mushrooms and finely chop; set caps aside. 2. In a large skillet, cook sausage and mushrooms over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain. Remove from the heat. 3. Stir in cheese and bread crumbs. 4. Fill each mushroom cap with about 1 tablespoon of filling. 5. Place on foil-lined baking sheets. Bake at 400° for 16-20 minutes or until mushrooms are tender. Yield: 35 appetizers.

Sounds great to me.

MUSIC

So this will be a huge shock: Bernadette Peters! Keith Stewart was kind enough to offer his favorite Bernadette song list:

Rose’s Turn, Everything’s Coming Up Roses, Tell Me On a Sunday, Unexpected Song, and

Bernadette Peters in Annie Get Your Gun by Al Hirschfeld

Children Will Listen. My favorite song that I thought Bernadette sang, but it was Madeline Khan instead: I’m Tired, from Blazing Saddles.

But I offer a few more. Many of Keith’s essays allude to songs.

Luck Be A Lady Tonight, Frank Sinatra

Great Balls of Fire, Jerry Lee Lewis

Return to Sender, Elvis Presley

The Future’s So Bright, Timbuk3

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours, Stevie Wonder

Seasons in the Sun, Terry Jacks

Born to be Blue, The Judds

Happy Reading! (Now, back to my work . . .thank you Keith for the giggle break!)

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